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sydney. [24 Feb 2010|12:45am]
After I found out you were dead, I asked if there was anyone with you, or if you’d died alone. They told me don’t be silly. She killed herself sitting in a car alone. That night I dreamed I was with you in that car, holding you, that I was what you wanted out of a lover. That I was there holding you, while you died, and you were smiling. I woke up, desperately wishing it was true.

I wonder if, after you die, you can remember things like the color of the hair you had while living. You had blonde hair, and sometimes you dyed it colors like green, red. I was always jealous of your hair. I remember when your piercings got infected, and I couldn’t stop staring at them while you talked, red and angry around your mouth. I’m sorry about that.

After you died, I crawled into myself, damp and warm and dark, and wished for everything. I wanted to cut off my hair and bind my breasts, change my name and tell you, we are the same, we fit, you can stay here. You have a place to stay. I thought of doing these things like they were spells I could cast with salt and rosemary and lavender and sage to bring you back from the dead, and I’d be waiting by your grave for you when you finally clawed your way out. None of these things would have been a lie. Maybe looking at me, someone would think I am lying, that there is no other body I would want to feel comfortable in but my own, that I don’t sometimes look in the mirror and reject what I see and long for rougher lips and a new torso cut from marble. But I have these wants contained inside of me, too, and my body would have been just as sacred to me had I been born with the right arms. The kind of arms that would have kept you here.

Is it too much to think you might’ve fallen in love with me? Maybe I am strange, an outlier, more an aching thing with limbs always reaching for love, which I find in everybody. But maybe I could have convinced you, taken you to the movies, bought you your favorite candy, held your hand and told you I thought you deserved to feel like everything you‘ve ever wanted is yours to have. We were teenagers. We could have fallen in love.
I have learned from love that it cannot make anyone stay, but it is still a dream I have in the middle of the night sometimes. I see your face everywhere. I carry the weight of your absence around with me like a stone in my pocket. In my dreams I can feel your face with my hands, I can hold it in place and tangle myself into your hair while your breathing slows. In these dreams I never try to save you. When I’m awake I think of every way I could have, but when I’m asleep and with you, I am just that. With you. I wake up with clean air, and I pinch my hands. I look at myself in the mirror and scold, “Why didn’t you save her? Why do you get to wake up with clean lungs and why did you let her die?”

Is it selfish to think of any possible bargain I could make to keep you alive? Is it selfish to want your love if it meant I could keep you? If any of it meant that everyone you left behind could keep you?

You killed yourself, and I went through my memories like a house, looking for traces of you that I could have as a token. I have your wrists, and the night we made bracelets together. There are parts of the body that mean life more than others. Breathing is a function of the lungs, and if you are breathing you are alive. A heart still beating is a body still alive. If your wrists are intact, you are alive. I get to keep your wrists, since you didn‘t want them anymore. Do you remember your wrists now that you’re dead?

I forget the color of your eyes. They were either green or they were blue, but I can’t remember. I remember the hook in the shape of your nose that made it rough instead of smooth. I remember your lips, but not your teeth. Your eyebrows were a shade darker than the hair on your head. I can only remember that you wore an orange jacket, and light blue jeans that flared, but past your ankles I cannot see your feet. Maybe the shirt I can remember you in was pink. Sometimes I think I remember all of you, but I realize I am only stitching bits and pieces together, from what I remember and what I’ve invented for you since you’ve been gone and I’ve been forgetting. I try not to construct you into another version of Frankenstein’s monster. I cannot remember you that way, of all people. You were not a monster, despite what you were told. I don’t want you in my mind that way, and so I hold on to what I have of you, and let go what’s gone.

I take the liberty of calling you my girl, sometimes, when no one is looking, if only to feel like calling you that might’ve saved your life. I cannot say that there was nothing I could have done. I cannot say I could have done something. Suicide is not like cancer. Suicide is only punctuation in the middle of an unfinished sentence. There is nothing I can really know other than you were alive once, and you are dead now.

This world feels lonely. I arch my back and feel the cracks in my spine, but I don’t understand that. I don’t understand what keeps us here. These bodies. I don’t understand how we perceive each other as these bodies first, and everything else that we are as only secondary. I don’t understand that to kill the body is to kill the rest. I do not understand how these things can be. Death as a gradual slipping away of life I can understand. But to kill it, not at all. Murder and suicide stopping laughter before the joke has finished being funny, turning a smile into something more horrific, something in pain.

I suppose I’m sorry about that, too.
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[11 Jan 2010|02:36am]
things that no longer make me cringe:

-the taste of beer & wine
-words people don't mean
-being honestly myself
-christmas not feeling like christmas
-being the type, suddenly, that doesn't have too many friends
-being alone

things that make me cringe (newly, still, and forever):

-stephanie meyer
-being called 'baby' by people who are creepy men
-anger as a tool of manipulation

happy new year.
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[20 May 2008|07:58pm]
today i walked to where i couldn't do anything but remember.
i had a camera in my hand,
so i subjectively documented the scene about a year later.
i drove home with christ pureka playing louder than my thoughts.
it's a good life, i'd do it all again

this summer i will fall in love.
this summer i will find time for myself to go down to the places i love.
i will carry san francisco in my heart,
i'll keep my hair cut short.
i will teach myself to tell the people i love that i love them.
i will tell the people who mean most to me that i hope for them

because i have been hoping for the things i have
the place i am
the person i am becoming
my whole life.
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[19 May 2008|09:37pm]
andrea gibson.

she asked me where i'd heard of her,
and i thought in my head,
but i couldn't say,
because well.
andrea wouldn't know what i was talking about.
so instead,
i just said,
"oh. youtube."
and she said,
"oh youtube?
is there anything you know you want me to perform that you know?"

and then some spotlight stealing diva from across the room shouted,
"say yes"
and i wanted to.
say look she was talking to me,
but then i didn't.

so. i said youtube.
and then i asked her to sign her book
that i bought
and she said sure
and i said "neato"
and she said "what?"
and i said
"uh. neato. i mean thanks. that's neat."

in case anyone was wondering,
i'm not quite as poetic
as i am when i write things down.
when that goes right,

like i said.
epic night.
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[19 May 2008|03:34pm]
tonight i meet andreea gibson.
i get to listen to her words.

i'm fucking stoked.
7 comments|post comment

[18 May 2008|10:03pm]
could i kiss you and make you queen?
2 comments|post comment

[18 May 2008|07:19pm]
music is how i

it's the only way i know how to talk about things.
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[16 May 2008|04:10pm]
i give up.

i hold onto too many things. i hold them in close, things that keep me to myself.
i am a contradiction in that. i contradict my words by the life i lead,
and so i don't write anymore.
and then i wonder where all my dreams have gone.

today i saw two sparrows
they wre flying in front of my car
and for a moment i was
afraid i'd hit them,
they were being so careless.

but the birds were lovers,
loving in flight.

is it the eagle that makes love
in the air?
i heard they crash into each other
and break free just before they hit the earth.

i will not be
afraid anymore.
not of lovers,
not of hearts knowing hearts.

once i saw a cardinal fly into the earth -
but i never saw it loving its lover,
so i never knew it at all.
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[16 May 2008|01:09pm]
it's 95 out.

i'm melting, but that's okay.

it's time to burn this skin onto my body,
to make it stay.
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[15 May 2008|08:36pm]
i want to go dancing. slow dancing, ballroom dancing, close, dancing cheek to cheek.

i have all this emotion, but i haven't written anything down, not really, not in months. i can't really say how i feel hurt and alone. i always say that. i feel like a borken record. redundant.

so i'd rather say nothing at all, and act surprised when i'm not heard. act surpirsed when things hit me so hard, the way they do. act so surprised when things twist in my gut.

i am so tired of the same thing.
i'm tired of having nothing left in me.
i'm tired of needing so much and getting
less and less.

i'm tired of sounding this way.

today it was 87 degrees. i wanted to sit out in the sun,
but i stayed inside instead.
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[15 May 2008|08:11pm]
my dad's been out of town for nearly three weeks now.

i missed garbage day two weeks in a row, but the garbage isn't making the garage smell,
so it's cool.
i hate doing dishes forever.
and we're selling out house,
and i'm really sick of people coming in to look at it.

and ap tests.

this week will be over and that'll be nice.

i see andrea gibson on monday.
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[11 May 2008|01:53pm]
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[11 May 2008|01:45pm]
last night i slept on my bathroom floor,
woke up at five and felt lost until i
looked into the mirror.

i crawled into bed and slept
and slept
and slept.

today is mother's day,
but i'm not speaking to my mom these days.


here i am,
2 comments|post comment

[10 May 2008|05:24pm]

i now work at sonic,
instead of as a telemarketer.

i also have to call kmart back and tell them im sorry
but i can't work for them.

but on my last day of work with celebrity,
my coworker shane farted
and turned the fan on
and blew his stench throughout the very stuffy room.

then my other coworker julie
attacked him.

and my boss watched this whole thing
and did nothing.
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[10 May 2008|03:36pm]
a lot of the time,
my house is used for random things.

today it is a friend's birthday party.
his friends are hardly my friends,
and sometimes i wish i knew how to say no.
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[10 May 2008|03:11pm]
today i feel
more alone than i have
in a very long time.

one day i swear i'll be
okay with everything i don't know how to be okay with
2 comments|post comment

[10 May 2008|02:58pm]
i like movies when the bad guy is actually good.
4 comments|post comment

[07 May 2008|10:27pm]
My weariness amazes me, I'm branded on my feet
I have no one to meet
And the ancient empty street's too dead for dreaming.
Hey Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
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[07 May 2008|09:32pm]
when i was ten i fractured my skull.
it was june.
i wasnt taken to the hospital until the next morning at about 5 am,
because no one really knew what was wrong with me.
i threw up terribly,
i slept hard until night,
and i remember vaguely sitting up all night
crying that it hurt so bad.

i was in the hospital for three days,
knocked out on pain killers the whole time,
just so i could get through it.

that whole summer was spent sleeping on my couch.
my momma would come and help walk me to the bathroom
when it was time to shower,
she would try and feed me good food,
salad and fruits.
but nothing felt good,
except to be in this place
floating in and out of conciousness.

that summer was spent in my daddy's white t-shirts
that looked like dresses on me,
and i remember open windows and feeling the season.
awake i was an anchor,
asleep i dreamed terrbile things
so mostly i floated.

i went more places that summer than i've ever been to
my whole life.
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[07 May 2008|04:09pm]
i just can't fit
yes i do believe it's time for us to quit
when we meet again
introduced as friends
please don't let on that you knew me when
i was hungry and it was your world

i had an interiew with kmart today. on friday i have an interview with sonic.
it's a million times easier to get a job now that i have one

it could just be the timing.
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